My Two Unsuccessful MS Attempts

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Getting an MS was my dream when I was admitted in hospital in 2005-6. When I was officially out of Pakistan Army in Dec 2006, I was in very desperate situation. The diagnosis of a severe mental illness had shattered me. Schizophrenia plays various tricks with its victims as it will become apparent. I tried to read books and I could not. It was as if I was reading words and not sentences and paragraphs. I put off my MS plans and started looking for job instead. I had few interviews but was not selected. I had two weak points. A history of psychotic illness and engineering in an uncommon subject i.e. Avionics. Gradually things began to improve and by mid 2007 I had made up my mind to do MS. I started refreshing my engineering skills. I got admission in MS Computer Engineering in College of EME, Rawalpindi in Fall 2008. Things were going good till 2nd sessionals. I experienced my first big hallucination and I started to loose focus. One Army instructor probed some aspects of my disease in front of class that I felt. Later I had some issue regarding project grading with him. Then there were two little incidents that indicated that fellow students were not supportive. I do not want to go in the relevant detail. Then in another subject I had a bit ugly incidents with an instructor for whom I still have a great regard. I am a very sensitive person since childhood. I completely lost interest in that subject. I did my exams but the result was delayed a bit. I got all Bs. I was expecting better grades in two subjects. After exams I experienced some other hallucinations and it triggered the psychosis. My delusions were not completely systemized and I think they will never be! I became obsessed with names. I suspected three out of four instructors in second semester against me. After the result announcement I decided to call it a day.

I decided to go abroad for studies. My father was bitterly against it at first. He had rightly concluded that I was in psychosis. Ultimately he agreed. I got my passport made as it was required for GRE exam. After a bit thought I decided to try MS Electrical Engineering in the same college for Fall 2009. The reasons were bit delusional and I will not go into the details. When the time came the time-table surprised all. It was tailor made to discourage me. All other departments had 3 days for 3 subjects whereas Electrical Department had 5 days for 3 subjects. Students tried to get it changed but it was refused. I attended classes for first week and decided to quit! I do not consider it my second attempt as I did not put any effort. After this it was unclear to me what future holds for me. Subsequently my father began to loose health and ultimately died on 14 Aug 2010.

Starting in 2012, I again started considering to do MS. I was considering doing MS either in Electrical or Computer Science. I got admission in COMSATS Wah in MS Electrical in Fall 2012. I was leading 3 subjects out of 4. About one month before the final exams I started loosing focus. Just a few days before the final exams I came to know that my younger brother who was/is working in POF was under observation for high blood pressure and was close to be declared medically unfit. This news was the most important cause for my decision to withdraw from study. I will remain silent on some other aspects. I opted not to take final exams. I suspected a big conspiracy against our family. After my decision he was declared fit. Some time later I came to know that I too had high blood pressure. The year 2013 became the most psychotic year of my life in terms of delusions.

Presently I still have the desire to make another attempt. My plans change on daily basis. Most probably I will go for it. I am considering going for Computational Science and Engineering this time. I did not fail in my previous two attempts. I opted to pull out. The prime reason is that it will give me a sense of achievement and I will have better chance of a job and rehabilitation. May Allah give me success this time.

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