In this post I would like to clarify some points. I started this blog in April 2010. The primary aim was to speak my heart out. I was not comfortable with some comments of the psychiatrists. I have mentioned many facts in different posts that never arose in my brief discussions with psychiatrists. Yet they were an integral part of my illness. There is so much misunderstanding on my illness in some quarters of Army, Air Force and my city. There are some stories ranging from planned board out to some sort of implication. The other aim was to counter such impressions. I do not know how much successful I have been.
In my blog posts I have been critical of the role of Army and intelligence agencies. This has been intentional and for some valid reasons. All my stories of being bad or loose character originated from Army and widely circulated by intelligence agencies. You would hardly find anyone in my city who would raise a finger on my character. But in Army there are plenty of them. Yet these stories played a crucial part in my unusual personal episode. They were responsible for an unfortunate arrangement of her marriage for one girl. They were also partially responsible for breakage of my commitment to the other girl. They were even used as one point in my ‘redress of grievances’.
The uniformed psychiatrists also felt the need to play their part. They recorded that I had a history of cannabis abuse. I have never smoked a cigarette even. They also recorded that I had an ‘unshakable belief’ of considering myself to be Imam Mahdi. I never had such belief. These were two plain but deliberate lies by the psychiatrists. The stories did not stop after my ouster from Pakistan Army. It was portrayed as planned or drama. I have tried to refute this impression in this post. Despite this, I think that I had the correct diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia.
This disease has transformed my life in unimaginable ways. I have spent three years from 2005 to 2008 in quite miserable condition. However things have considerably improved over time. I have been invalidated out of service because of the disease. But there are some positive aspects also. Firstly I had great reluctance to drive a vehicle as discussed. Without learning to drive, I was doomed in Army. This also shows that I have a bit ‘different’ brain. Secondly I was having a rough patch at professional level. I did fairly well in my BE Avionics. But I performed poorly in my two basic courses. For the first course the main causes were my aptitude, occupation with Linux OS and much more occupation with my first love. I was more apt with learning few basic and unified engineering principles than memorizing too many things and details. The gears, shafts and rotors never interested me. For the second course I have a bit different story to tell. I performed very well in subsequent two courses. But they were of minor nature. Lately, in 2005, I was even struggling with my promotion exams. Moreover, for some mysterious reasons, people were even more concerned and vocal about my competency. I had pretty average service record, thanks to my row with one of my commanding officers. The invalidation out of service has proved to be a blessing in disguise.
Then there is another thing at personal level. I used to be too dreamy about the future. The disease has pulled me down towards the earth. As a result I am much more realistic and mature. I have paid a heavy price for that. I still have some goals about the future, but they are moderate. No doubt, that I have some limitations because of the disease. The patients with paranoid type of schizophrenia have most chances of recovery. I think I have recovered considerably enough. The future is always full of surprises for me.
Pakistan Army is a good institution, but is certainly not made up of angels. During my brief service, I encountered some very good and talented individuals and some equally bad. I still wonder the motives of people within the Army in spreading rumors about me. It has affected some people and families in very unpleasant way. I think greed and jealousy are great motives. They can drive the people to any extreme. Why was there such venom against me? One plausible answer is the so called PMA incident that I clarified in this post. The recovery of list from the Indian spy was an important incident and it involved me somehow. There might be some another perspective to which I am still unaware of.