I started this blog in April 2010. I have come a long way since then. I have tried to be as honest as possible about myself, my past events, people around me and the disease itself. I have tried to differentiate between the delusions and real world events. I thought that my previous post would be my last one for time being. However I felt that I must clarify one point mentioned in my different posts, that I came to know recently.
I mentioned the PMA incident in this post. I have rightly mentioned that it was event of my life as most of my delusions revolved around it, specifically the ‘list’ as discussed in these four posts: here, here, here and here. I assumed all along that SM Farman, the Indian spy, became AWOL immediately after my passing out from PMA in 1996. Some of the events in PAF Academy were partially responsible for this belief. Recently I called the course mate who first told me about it to confirm this assumption. He told me that it was not so. SM Farman was there in PMA for passing out of 96th Long Course at least. He went back to his parent unit and retired. However I have a faint memory that someone told me that he became AWOL from PMA. However I was not completely wrong. I clearly remember that he did tell me that he was caught at Pak-India border and a list of officers was recovered from him. It is my opinion that SM Farman went missing i.e. AWOL before 2000, may be from PMA and was later captured at Pak-India border. I will appreciate if anyone clarifies it exactly. I have neither the capacity nor the will to investigate further. It has played its part in my delusional thinking. I had built an empire out of small piece of information. I think it still make sense to call it a PMA incident, though it is a bit misleading. Rather it should have been called an Indian spy incident! Was I wrong in thinking that my name was associated with the incident?
From the very outset I believed that the list had some sort of grading/opinion in it. It must have identified good and bad officers. He may have some motives behind it. I assumed that a few thousand of officers may have been graded as he served in PMA for many years. I assumed that one of his tactics to grade was by keeping the cadet out of the parade as discussed. The foremost reason for me standing out of the ceremony was the resolve of SM Farman. The secondary cause was my shyness to request the Adjutant. I clearly remember that some other staff members and my course mates requested to SM Farman that I should be given a chance to participate in rehearsals. SM Farman made the point that I would only be allowed if instructed by the Adjutant. I was too shy to request the Adjutant. I had not that bad parading standard. I passed the saluting test in my first attempt. The concerned staff never raised any doubt on my parading standard either. I joined all the passing outs at PAF Academy. It was not mere the parading standard. Any way I stood outside the ceremony. Why SM Farman singled out me remains a mystery to me till this day.
I had a difficult experience discussing it with my course mates in 2005. I told a few of them about SM Farman and recovery of ‘list’ from him. One of the course mates later asked me whose names appear in the list. I guessed three names among the 11 course mates based on experience in the passing out whom I considered as bad. This shows that there was a feeling, on the part of that course mate at least, that I knew the incident and was aware of the contents of the ‘list’. Same officer later told me that there was a serious grouping with in the Army. He told me that one group was of good officers that advance through the ranks with their hard work and talent and the other of so called bad officers that uses unfair means and links etc. He told me that both group support among themselves. To substantiate his opinion he took a name of a representative officer from each group. Good officer was one who had to submit a ‘redress of grievances” against the grade rendered to him in a course. He was also snubbed like me. I would not identify the bad officer’s name. I was already thinking on same lines and went so much beyond that. I started thinking that this grouping was formed as a result of the ‘list’ recovered from the Indian spy. Later I thought it as efforts of my grandfather. I avoided talking to the course mate who told me about the Indian spy. I started loosing interest in my job and giving more thoughts to my previous events. My unusual personal episode was running in parallel. In later part of my delusional thinking in 2005, I reduced the good officers among my 11 course mates to 3 (including me) and mentioned these names to the one whom I considered good. I had come a long way in this journey of the ‘list’.
As I mentioned that this incident never arose in my discussion with the psychiatrists. There was no effort on the part of psychiatrists of understanding the psychotic behavior. This was the most prominent cause. When I started this blog I asked another course mate about the incident. He confirmed to me that SM Farman was an Indian spy. I mentioned this incident to two other course mates in 2009-10. They did not show any surprise. Obviously they were aware of it. Was I the only one who was intentionally kept in dark about it till very late? Was there a feeling that I know the contents of the ‘list’ somehow? I only imagined the ’list’!
Then there might be completely another dimension. A presidential referendum was held in Pakistan in 2002. I voted against the President and COAS General Pervez Musharraf. I maintained that I have been asked as a citizen of Pakistan and not as an officer under COAS. There was no other candidate. I was open about it. Nonetheless it was traceable. In later years some officers mentioned on and off to me that it was recorded in service papers who had voted against General Pervez Musharraf. This never bothered me. I though that there was a remote possibility that the grading/opinion of the Indian spy found its way in the service papers of the officers. It was quite probable that the ‘list’ was in some good safe hands and was being used. I always assumed that I might have some good grading/opinion by the Indian spy. Many service and personal events in later years point out to the fact that there was something ‘special’ about me with in the Army. It has been mentioned in so many previous posts and I would not repeat here.