A Self Analysis

I think this would be the last post on my illness. The main purpose of this post is to analyze myself with respect to the disease. I will also try to review my major delusions and clarify some points.

 As a child, I was intelligent, shy and sensitive. I never displayed a psychotic behaviour. Once, as a child, I developed the belief that my mother was against me. I held this belief for a very short time. I was also very imaginative and dreamy. Once I learned that the earth was round I developed this idea. I imagined that the earth was round like a coin and sky was above it like a hemisphere. One of my earliest childhood dreams was to go at the edge of the earth and touch the sky. Another dream was to become a mathematician. Yet another was to become an actor as a hero in the films. None has been fulfilled. I was very good at mathematics and physical sciences from the start. I secured the first position in my school in Matric (Class X).

 As a child, video games never interested me. While my younger brother showed a considerable interest and had to bear the wrath of our father on this. I just could not comprehend the rules. I think I have slow reflexes. I also used to have difficulty in remembering locations and directions, though I never lost. This also explains my considerable reluctance to driving. I tried to learn the driving in 2005, but found it very difficult. I think I would never drive.

The redress of grievances episode was the most stressful life event of my life. It triggered the initial onset of the disease. In it I developed delusions regarding the outcome, but did not develop serious delusions. After this I was never the same. The PMA incident was the event of my life. Most of my delusions revolved around it. Subedar Major Farman was/is a real man. He served in Pakistan Military Academy for many years before being caught as an Indian spy at Pakistan-India border. I have no doubts that my name is associated with the incident. The ‘list of officers’ recovered from him was the hallmark of my delusional thinking as discussed in these three posts; here, here and here.

 While my delusions described in this post regarding three Generals of Pakistan Army can be questioned, they are all real people. Why I developed these delusions is completely another matter. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a serious grouping in Pakistan Army. I am one victim of such grouping. What happened at my personal front is a living testimony to this fact. This was most psychotic and misunderstood episode of my life. People in Army and intelligence agencies circulated stories about my character and still spreading. The positive cannabis test is a classic example. I developed religious delusions in later part of my delusional thinking. My relapse in 2009 was primarily due to visual hallucinations and a bit hostile environment in EME College. I think the disease was in my genes.

 There is an impression in the Army, created by some people, that I somehow planned it. Nothing can be far fetched than that. People, especially in Army, know that I have some money via an SD house sale and cook stories that I planned it with the assistance of psychiatrists. I can very well speculate the motive behind all this. They wanted to create the impression that the PMA incident was also planned, in that, I may have collaborated with the Indian spy! As a matter of fact I was unwilling to seek psychiatric consultation, a symptom of disease itself. Moreover my father requested in writing that I should not be boarded out from the Army. I also requested this verbally to the concerned psychiatrist. Then, there is also another impression that I got substantial increase in pension due to the opinion of psychiatrists that the disease was attributable to service. The psychiatrists clearly recorded that the disease was not attributable to service but aggravated by service conditions. I got nominal pension increase due to this. I never requested any favours from them. Rather I have disputed their comments about Imam Mahdi and cannabis abuse.

 I have spent the prime time of my youth in struggling with schizophrenia, most disabling and unforgiving of mental disorders. It is almost 6 years since I had the first break in 2005. All of my friends are employed and enjoying good family life. I am still unmarried and jobless, though no financial worries. This depresses me sometimes. I know I have some limitations because of my illness. Despite all these odds, I am optimistic about the future. I have recovered from my relapse considerably. I am considering giving higher studies another chance. Let us hope I do it right this time. I would end this post with a favourite quotation by Sir Winston Churchill.

 “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

2 thoughts on “A Self Analysis

  1. Badar, I have gone through your blog posts. I am of the opinion that you are a very courageous fellow and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You have passed through a lot of emotional turmoil and being the gentle and sensitive fellow that you are, you have suffered more than the others. I think that the psychiatrists have got it dead wrong and need to have their heads examined. So what if you were romantically involved with one girl or the other and it did not work out. It happens to everyone but doesn’t mean that you are delusional. Love for someone is a powerful emotion and can drive anyone to despair. Loving someone and suffering in its aftermath is perfectly normal. Standing up for your under command is expected from officers, it is perfectly normal. Your CO who blew the matter out of proportions was an idiot and a psychotic fellow, not you. All of us hope for happiness and good life. All of us have our fears and our demons that frequently come back to haunt us. Are we all delusional or suffering from schizophrenia? So shed these notions. I hope the best for you. Do not hesitate to voice your opinion or say what you have to say just because some fools around you do not like it. And just because you have had a few bad episodes in the past, do not be scared of loving someone again. Best of luck to you.

  2. Hi Badar, Thank you for visiting my blog, “Overcoming Schizophrenia,” and for sharing your experience with mental health. I am glad to read that you are maintaining an optimistic view and will not let this illness get the best of you… Your blog looks great, thank you for sharing.

    Best regards,
    Ashley Smith

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