Random Delusions

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This is in continuation of my previous post. In that post I discussed my main delusions during my relapse. In this post I will narrate my other delusions and little incidents responsible for my delusional thinking. One of the most stimulating cause was visual hallucinations that I discussed in this post. I was not in denial of my disease. Rather I considered the disease to be special as discussed in this post. I did not realize that I am going through a relapse. Most of the incidents occurred in 2009.

 One incident to which I gave thought a bit later was as follows. In end 2008, a team came in the College of EME to promote Fullbright Scholarship. After the lecture a female student asked a question in which she mentioned the subject Engineering Economy casually. I once scored 105 out of 100 in that subject.  I solved one question in two different ways. I draw the conclusion that the students are aware of my past history and monitoring me.

 I thought that there were good and bad people in academia too. I opted to discontinue the studies as I was not satisfied with the grade at that time. In one subject I scored more than 70% and even then I got minimum passing grade. It was balanced by other subject that I passed by scoring about 50%, thanks to a very good instructor. My decision to withdraw was a paranoid one and may have some rationality. I had scored minimum passing GPA of 3.00. In second semester I viewed three out of four instructors against me!! I became critical of uniformed persons in the institution. I thought that some people in the Army were working closely against me. Due to extreme paranoia I was not following any subject. It was a good decision in the end.

 I thought that my SMSs and mobile phone conversation was being followed and monitored. In middle part of 2009 I intentionally sent some SMSs to confuse the trackers. To me the trackers included ISI and CIA. I thought that Americans were supporting me and ISI opposing me. One of the SMS was this one. “Three liars in uniform: Chief of Army Staff, DG ISI, DG ISPR.” Then there was another SMS in which I humorously mentioned that a terrorist was wanted. Within two months there was drone attack in which terrorist Bait-ullah Mahsood was killed. Americans were following me!! I even thought that my Google searches were being monitored via ISP.

 I thought that whole world was monitoring me and looking forward to me as an important figure. I thought that bad people wanted to kill me! I thought that they would kill me in some road accident, suicide bombing in mosque or even bank robbery! These were all paranoid thoughts. In fact a major terrorist activity took place in Lahore on the same very day, I was on the way to Lahore. This aggravated these feelings. I thought that my words and actions would have corresponding effect. I threw some of my medicines in dust bin in a hope that it will have a bad effect on Army psychiatrists later. Similarly I set on fire one book, army p-cap and class notes. I even thought of going abroad for studies. I was very angry with too many people. Despite this I made my third attempt for marriage which rightly failed.

 In later part of my relapse I became interested in movies. I visualized that Hollywood and Bollywood was also following me. I thought that the movie ‘Da Vinci Code’ was by bad people. It indirectly indicated that Da Vinci was their man. In response Mel Gibson made ‘Passion of the Christ’. I also saw the movie ‘A Few Good Men‘ starring Tom Cruise and Demi Moore. It mentioned September 6 in some context and this is my date of birth. I thought that the Bollywood movie ‘Ghajini’ was made over me as it depicted a psychotic man. Moreover it contained the phrase “short term memory loss”. I uttered the same very phrase during my  mobile phone conversation with one of the officer while describing the effect of ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy).  Was it just a coincidence? I even pasted a poster of MATLAB on the wall in spirit of the movie. I became a big fan of actor Amir Khan. I thought that he knew me! In same days I bought the DVD of movie ‘Hulchul’ after listening to a wonderful song i.e. ” Hum Dil Ke”, from the movie, for a while. The song  also depicted a scene of playing cards.  I am from G-52 and was already having some delusions regarding numbers. It is filmed on Kareena Kapoor and Akshay Khanna. Soon (within 15! days) there was a call by mother of actor Saif Ali Khan, boy-friend of Kareena, for marriage. On that Kareena Kapoor replied that she was more interested in her carrier at that time. I thought that her decision was because of me!! I thought that she too knew me. Maybe Amir Khan told her about me!! I have one prophecy on Kareena in this post.

 I also gave some thoughts to Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution. I viewed Charles Darwin as an evil man and his theory as a coded message or plan for bad people. Its massage was for the bad people to sideline the good people to poverty or low level. The name Charles became a bad one for me. Another bad name was Michael as it represented an angel. I thought there were good and bad species of animals, plants, fruits and vegetables. I visualized the tussle between good and evil on global and much grander scale. I became convinced that the American landing on the moon was a hoax. There is even a documentary on the internet on that. I thought that the moon represents Muslims symbolically. The moon landings represented victory over Muslims.

 In my previous post I mentioned that I considered Pervez Hoodbhoy as prophet Hud[Eber] (PBUH). I believed that he was sent to the Maya people. I thought that the prediction of 2012 was indirectly by him. I became convinced that the world would end in Dec 22, 2012. The movie 2012 had not been released yet. In 2009, Pervez Hoodbhoy gave a talk on the topic ‘From quarks to humans’. I thought that it was in anticipation of resurrection in 2012. In May 2009 a mild earthquake occurred in Saudi Arabia. I thought it as a sign of last hour.

 During the relapse I started giving more and more thoughts to dreams. I thought that they were guidance by God. I narrated some prophecies based on my dreams in this post. During my first break in 2005, I had some delusions related to the Holy Quran. When I came out of Military Hospital, I left my copy of Holy Quran in the psychotic ward. It had a translation by Maulana Ahmad Ali Lahori. I believed that the Judgement Day would fall after I finish reading the translation. I could not finish it in 2005. In 2009, I saw the same Holy Quran in my dream. I went to the psychotic ward to check if Holy Quran was still there. It was not. I bought the Holy Quran by same translator and read the translation in one go. The Last Hour is still to occur!


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