The year 2005 was most psychotic year of my life. Without doubt 2006 was most depressive year of my life. The year 2007 was spent in coming to term with the illness. This post is an attempt to describe all those important but dormant years.
My admission in hospital was involuntary commitment. Gradually I recognized that I had some major psychotic problem. I realized that things would not happen the way I anticipated. I was expecting that some major sign of Last Hour would appear in 2005. Then there will be God’s justice and system. I developed these delusions without any evidence. I did not see any related dreams. I realized that I have to spend much more time before the Last Hour. Suddenly I realized that I was not chosen one of some sort.
Then there was another dimension of the illness. Schizophrenia is considered to be a major illness. The information on internet is very scary. The 10% suicide rate was very disturbing to me. In fact I came close to committing suicide in Ramadan of 2006. I felt very hopeless and lonely. The disease affected all parts of my life. In some way, I became angry with God. I wondered why He had invented such a disease. Why had He chosen me for such an ordeal? I became anti-God for a while.
The disease had a great effect on my thinking ability. All of a sudden a new dimension of major mental illness had appeared in my life. I did not have the same zeal about life. I preferred to remain silent and lonely. I avoided talking to people except some family members. I did not feel the same empathy towards my family and relatives. I was unable to read books. It was as if I was reading words. I could not comprehend sentences. I felt so much disabled. There were no feelings of any sort. It was a psychological and emotional breakdown.