I was admitted in Hospital on 24 August 2005. Officially I remained in hospital for over a year. I received indoor and outdoor treatment. This was one of the most testing times for me. It was a crucial period of my life in every respect.
On the admission day, various tests were carried out including blood and ECG. After a day or two the psychiatrist dropped the first bombshell. I was tested positive for cannabis abuse. I asked that the test should be repeated. My father also asked to repeat the test. They did not. Sometime later I came to know that it was the urine test that determines cannabis abuse. I told the psychiatrist that my urine sample was never taken. My appeal turned into deaf ears. There is no one-to-one relation between schizophrenia and cannabis abuse. Both the psychiatrist wrote one line about it in board proceedings opinion. One wrote ‘intermittent history’ and the other ‘past history’ of cannabis abuse. The word ‘past’ was written by the psychiatrist who did not interview me for a single minute. Was the working of Hospital so fool-proof. There was no circumstantial evidence either. I have never smoked a cigarette even. It is important to note that the board proceeding are kept in record for a very long time. This was another attempt by bad elements in Army to spoil my reputation. Interestingly there is no test of character. Had there been one. I would have surly been tested positive for bad character! A person labeled as Imam Mahdi, having affairs with girls was tested positive for cannabis abuse. What a contrast.
Then there were severe side effects of injection. I was given first injection on the first day forcefully. On second day I had uncontrolled tongue movement and dry mouth. On this I was given another injection that controlled it. I received the other injection forcefully and the same thing happened. In total I received 6 injections. I developed severe weakness due to it. I clearly remember that I offered my prayers after a month in such a condition that I could not move my tongue. I recited the verses in my head. The other effect was on my potency. I became impotent after receiving the first injection. I remained completely impotent for over a year. Only the few months dose of herbal medicines brought the things back to normalcy. Sometime I feel that I was intentionally given such an injection to disable me. Only God knows better.
After a few days into admission, I realized that there was something very wrong with me. I developed depressive features and started contemplating suicide. Then Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) commonly known electroshock treatment was added. This had a positive effect for time being. It had effect of rebooting the memory/brain. From name it appears that it may be painful. It is not. Besides injection and ECT, the main anti psychotic was Resperdal. Its dose started from 6 mg and was gradually reduced. I experienced considerable weight gain. I had problems with sleep and some sedatives were also given.
The injections had severe side effects as mentioned. The psychiatrists were more interested in questions like appetite and sleep. I was hardly asked any questions regarding the psychotic features. On that they relied more on outside sources. I think I was portrayed as un-cooperative. One psychiatrist who was not directly dealing with me asked whether I had been checked by the psychologist. I replied negatively. I was never examined by the psychologist. While I was there the psychologist resigned. Later I thought it may be because of me!! I do not know the actual reason.
After few weeks I had a weekend. I came home. There I searched what disease the Nobel Prize winning mathematician John F Nash had. I had seen the movie had had some documents related to him. Then I tried to pronounce the word schizophrenia for very first time. I read about the disease in encyclopedia Encarta. I realized that I had the same disease. I told my younger brother about it. It was self diagnoses. I grilled my psychiatrist to tell me the disease I was suffering. She told me that it would be told in the mean time. When the psychiatrist did tell me, I was anticipating listening paranoid schizophrenia. By that time I had prepared my mind to listen such a disturbing diagnosis.
While I think that I was hospitalized for too long, one hospitalization was necessary. I was not given much time. My psychotic features were hardly discussed with me. It was an improper hospitalization. The things that I am discussing were not mentioned. I showed initial reluctance, but in later phase I was ready to open. Some of my stories might have opened Pandora boxes. I think psychiatrists wanted to keep something confidential. No one bothered to know the reason for my delusion of grandeur and persecution. They relied on outside sources and wrote their opinion accordingly.