I was born on 6 September 1977. The 6 September is the Defense Day of Pakistan. My grandfather gave me the name Badar Abbas. The battle of ‘Badar’ is the first battle our holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) fought against the infidels and prevailed. These two facts had a great effect on my delusional thinking. There were other dates of birth within the family that I narrated in this post. I mentioned my date of birth to the psychiatrist even. He wrote a line in his official opinion. In this post I am narrating other related incidents that happened before I got admitted in hospital in 2005.
In October an incident happened while serving in Quetta that triggered a ‘redress of grievances’ against the CO. This became the most stressful event of my life. After this I was never the same. In end 2004 I came to know the PMA incident, especially the recovery of the list of officers from the Indian spy. I developed firstly a rational and then a conspiracy theory. On 10 December 2004, my father suffered a severe heart attack. This led to the most psychotic and misunderstood phase of my life as discussed in detail in this post. I even set the date of my Nikkah. This was the height of delusional thinking. On 22 March 2005 my father cleverly took me to civil psychiatrist. He then went to Deputy Commandant and asked him to refer me to the army psychiatrists but he declined due to some reasons.
After knowing the PMA incident and going through a ‘redress of grievances’, I developed delusions of grandeur and persecution. I thought that I became an icon in Pakistan Army. I thought that ‘Army had taken stand on me on some issues especially the ‘redress of grievances’. I expressed the opinion that Army wanted me to do something. I visualized that Army developed two clear grouping, one group supporting me and other opposing. On those same days, then VCOAS Ahsan Saleem Hayat visited the unit. During the visit he said something like that to me, “You are young and energetic. Do something… we will acknowledge.” I took these comments to mean that people, even at the top, recognize me. I have no hesitation to say that the VCOAS was the most pathetic General I encountered directly during my service. His comments were meant to accelerate my delusional thinking. I even started to talk vocally about my Army courses. I expressed the opinion that I had been given unfair treatment.
I thought that my talks and opinions are being monitored and tracked. For some reasons I suspected that ISI was working against me and MI for me. Because of this suspicion I took my batman to the Adjutant of the unit and told him clearly that my batman was an ISI agent and asked him to expel him. My personal history was also in my mind. Then there was another incident. There was Pakistan India one day series going on in 2005. Pakistan lost the first match. I suggested one change. The same change was implemented and Pakistan won the series. I thought that it meant my opinions are being implemented at highest echelons.
I visualized that there were Jews amongst us. I thought they recognize them with the help of names. I expressed it first by narrating the following sentence, “There is some problem with the name Mansoor”. Brig Mansoor was then the commandant of the unit who referred me to the psychiatrist sometime later. In those same days I went to a PAF unit for an official work and was received by an officer also named Badar. I thought that the situation was created to ‘teach’ me that there is something in names. I also thought that the poet Allama Muhammad Iqbal was a Jew or infidel in disguise. I wrote in the mess register to remove his portrait from the mess. The commandant grilled me on this lightly. I also expressed the opinion that there were two daks (correspondences) in Army, indirectly refereeing to two groupings.
I also developed my delusion about Imam Mahdi, Jesus Christ (PBUH), Beast and anti Christ/Dajaal. I usually remained silent about them except Dajaal, I thought that I was being monitored as some important religious figure. I expressed the opinion that General Pervez Musharraf was anti-Christ/Dajaal. I expressed this opinion after reading a banner titled ‘Dajaaliat aur Dajaal-e-Akbar’ meaning “Anti Christianism and great anti-Christ” that was to be delivered by Dr Israr Ahmad. Then the following conversation took place between me and my immediate boss, who was a Lt Col at that time. He said, “Badar you are taking me wrong.” On this I vehemently replied, “I have understood it all. My Holy Quran was stolen in first semester and was recovered in last semester.” The immediate response was “What”. By that time all the delusions were firmly established in my mind. On 4July 2005, I was expecting the sun to rise from the west as is prophesied in our religion. It will be a major sign of Last Hour. I asked the father whether he had seen the sun. He rightly did not reply.
These little incidents clearly indicated that I had developed some psychotic problem. But I thought that I was all right. One of the officer told me that I should visit psychiatrist. On that I mentioned the movie ‘A Beautiful Mind’. I said, “I know that John Nash had a mental illness and I do not have ‘that’ disease.” I had seen the movie because of my interest in Nobel prizes and never bothered to know what disease he had. I expressed the opinion that there was a conspiracy going on to expel me from the Army. There were rumors that I was in mental ward while I was in the unit. As the events unfolded, I was diagnosed with the same ‘that’ disease. The disease was paranoid schizophrenia.
I was unwilling to go to psychiatrist. On 24 August, a senior officer asked me to go back to the mess. I was taken to the department of Mental Health in Military Hospital, Rawalpindi. I thought that I am being taken to ‘teach’ something. On some simple questions by the psychiatrists I dubbed him as a Jew and left the office in anger. There I was overpowered by the other staff and given an injection in the buttocks and admitted in hospital. On 8 October Pakistan was jolted by a severe earthquake. This lead to me some delusions regarding end of times. I thought myself to be a sign of Last Hour.
While all these or some of these events must have been mentioned by the commandant to psychiatrist, I was not confronted with any of these events. No one bothered to know the source of these delusions. The number one cause was PMA incident. They treated my problem as a medical one instead of psychotic one.