A Soup of Delusions


I have mentioned my major delusions in previous posts. In this post I will discuss my other delusions that I developed in my first psychotic phase in 2005.

Tracking and Unfair Treatment

I believed that I in particular and our family in general were being tracked and monitored. To me the PMA incident was important enough to initiate it and I believed that world intelligence agencies were monitoring developments around me. My “redress of grievances” against the CO was investigated by intelligence agencies. I can not make the Corps Commander speak, yet I can bet that the input from intelligence agencies was negative and it was about my personal matters. My character was targeted to put me under pressure and stories were circulated that I have a loose character. For some reasons I believed that ISI was working against me and MI (Military Intelligence) was working for me. I believed that the ‘list’ recovered by the Indian spy was in hands of MI.

One plot is beautiful enough to be described here. It happened in 2003 while serving in Quetta. I did not have the cell phone then as I did not feel the need. It was difficult to circulate the stories that I had contacts with women without a cell phone. It was decided that an exchange would be established in mess. My appointment was considered ‘important’ enough to have a phone in my room. Then there came the stories that there were obnoxious calls from the mess. I being one of the bachelors was pointed out, on which I objected very strongly. Later in 2005, I realized that this plot was hatched to spoil my reputation. What happened at my personal front is a living testimony to this fact.

Then there was case of unfair treatment, on which I became vocal in my later phase. I did fairly well in my BE in Avionics at PAF Academy, Risalpur. A group of top 6 students were given a special project. I was the only one who got B grade. I raised the issue at that point with adviser by saying, “I have been victim of disliking”. The adviser was not responsible for my B grade. In my Basic Course I performed poorly. The main reasons were aptitude, my ‘other’ interests and may be a bit hostile environment. In my Aviation basic course I started well, but the Commandant, who was instrumental in my earlier course, refused to sign the results. He could not see so many good grades, especially of me! He came up with the idea that there should be a Col instead of Brig in his post. His plea was accepted and he went on another posting without signing the results. Hats off to him! Some of the results were never shared with student officers. I started thinking that I was given unfair treatment in my courses and there might be some element of truth in that. After my course there was also a ‘redress of grievances’ by a very able officer against the duo of officers responsible for finalizing the grade.

A Spiritual Confusion

My biggest religious delusion was about my grandfather, whom I visualized as Second Coming of Jesus Christ (PBUH). I thought that Maulana Muhammad Ali Jauhar was Imam Mahdi and I came close to declaring myself the Beast. I was falsely labeled as considering myself to be Imam Mahdi by two psychiatrists. One did not interview me for a single minute and the other never uttered those words. These were not my only religious delusions.

The other serious delusion was concerned with Angel Gabriel and Holy Quran. There is a lengthy hadith which narrates that Angel Gabriel told Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that 50 prayers were duty bounded upon Muslims at the night of Miraj. They were ultimately reduced to 5. I believed that Angel Gabriel must have told the lie out of jealousy. The 50 prayers in 24 hours do not make any sense. For Christians and Jews, the prayers are one time in a week. I thought that Angel Gabriel wanted to make the religion difficult for the masses. I also believed that there might be 3 prayers actually. For the same reasons I believed that the Holy Quran was heavily perverted. This may be due to Angel Gabriel and infidels among the Muslims. I believed that the one of the Caliphs to be an infidel. I also believed it to be the case with a wife and a daughter of the Prophet. In sub conscious I was trying for a middle ground between Sunni and Shia sects. I believed that it was difficult to separate true revelations from perverted one and both were intermingled. I was studying the translation of the Holy Quran with this thing in mind when I got admitted in August 2005. I also believed Sahih Bukhari to be less credible and Sahih Muslim more.

I believed that I was a chosen one of some sort. I believed that people were monitoring me as Imam Mahdi, Jesus Christ (PBUH), the Beast or even anti-Christ/Dajaal, especially after PMA incident. I thought that I was destined to go to the paradise. I believed that the Hour will strike after I finish reading the translation of Holy Quran. I was not able to finish in 2005. I finished the translation in one-go in 2009! I visualized that the earth will be stretched in form of a coin. On one side there would be heaven and on another side there would be hell. I also developed a strange delusion that all the people who were born after me would go to heaven!

What is in Name?

This was the most complicated of all my delusions. I developed it gradually. There was a loose talk of names in Army too. I thought that my grandfather was very particular in naming the children. It was associated with another delusion. I thought there were Jews among all religions especially Christians and Muslims. This I developed after one officer told me that Jews are by birth. You can not become Jew by converting. I thought that they identify themselves with the help of names. I began classification of names based on my experience and history. I believed that they cooperated with each other in one religion and among different religions. They exploit true followers for their own advantage. I believed that the ‘list’ recovered by the Indian spy might have that name pattern. I believed that the Indian spy[SM Farman] was a Hindu in disguise and he separated the Jews and Muslims in his list by his observation. Later I saw him as a Jew as well and developed the theory that I described in this post. My grandfather once told me about his family tree abruptly. I thought that he wanted to bring my attention to names. There was no family name. Now it would go like that. Badar Abbas S/O Muhammad Aslam Khan S/O Akbar Ali S/O Allah Din S/O Pir Bakhsh. I shunned it gradually, but my second clear visual hallucination reignited it. Maybe it was an indirect reference to his impending suicide.

World History

This was another complicated delusion. I thought it as a tussle between good and evil forces on a global scale. No one wants to be labeled as an evil. So I visualized that evil people hide themselves among religions and countries and cooperate with each other. They try that good people fight among themselves or for them. They usually remain at decision making positions and support imperialism and monarchy. I thought that American Revolution was a turning point, where good forces prevailed over bad one. It had some ideals. I thought that the French Revolution was by evil people on the name of equality and justice. I thought that it changed only the faces. I also saw that Iran’s Islamic Revolution in this perspective. Another great revolution was Russian Revolution. I thought communism as an anti-thesis which had some good points.

I thought of WWII as Armageddon, in which both of my grandfathers participated, though in lower capacity. I thought that Adolf Hitler was an evil genius. I thought that the WWII was initiated by evil people to take over the world. To me Stalin was the man of WWII. I thought that he knew the tactics of evil people and his purges were directed against them. I thought he purposefully ignored the reports of Hitler’s imminent attack. I visualized cold war as a tussle between right and less right.


2 comments on “A Soup of Delusions”

  1. It’s interesting that your delusions and hallucinations were as complicated as mine. Although the centerpiece would be assumed to be that I was a Mermaid, in reality it was, like yours, part of an elaborate plan. Mine had religious undertones like yours, but came from a different perspective. My job was to restore the actual physical balance to the earth, correcting its tilt to nothing by virtue of cutting deals with various entities including space aliens and talking trees. After I am done with my memoir (entitled I Thought I Was A Mermaid), I plan to write the story of my delusion into a fantasy novel. I suggest that you consider that also. It would be a very good read.

    1. Thanks for your comments. Presently i am more interested in rehabilitating myself in some way. English is not my first language, so it will be difficult for me to write a fantasy novel. However writing some sort of autobiography can be considered. Thanks

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