On My Birthday

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Today is my 33rd birthday. It is also the Defense Day of Pakistan. I mentioned this fact to psychiatrist even. He wrote one sentence about it in his official opinion. But I mentioned it in a much wider context of whole family that I was not able to discuss as I mentioned in this post. It also marks the completion of 5 years since I got admitted in hospital. I was admitted in hospital on 24 August 2005. I celebrated my 28th birthday in the closed ward of mental hospital. This was not a good experience. Now I am in free air. In this post I will basically dwell upon these 5 years and will talk about my future. I will appreciate any suggestions/feedback.

Schizophrenia is a terrible illness. It takes all the courage to be told that you are suffering from this illness. These 5 years have been spent in fighting this disease. This is usually the prime period of one’s life. I was fortunate to have a tremendous family that supported me fully in this ordeal. My parents especially my father handled it with considerable patience. It was a testing time for them even. Many friends visited me in hospital. I am grateful to all of them. I received very positive feedback on starting my blog, especially from Air Force side. I can make out from the blog statistics that I have 15-20 regular readers. I am very thankful to all of them for reading my part of the story.

I was really hurt by the impression, especially in Army, that I planned it. People, especially in Army, know that I have some money via an SD house sale and cook stories that I have planned it with the assistance of psychiatrists. This is not new. My Commanding Officer at Quetta accused me that I planned the incident that triggered the ‘redress of grievances’ against him. People have spread rumors about my character and honesty as mentioned in this post. I know their dirty tricks. I care damn about them. God has to feed His hell also. Even now I have reasons and circumstantial evidence to believe that people do not want to see me rehabilitated. Despite all this I am hopeful. As Mahatma Gandhi put it, “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”

The main feature of these 5 years was that I had two full circles. The psychotic phase in 2005 was followed by an acute depressive phase in 2006. However in early 2008 I was focused that I have to do further study. Things did not happen the way I intended. Life is full of surprises. The second full circle was a bit brief. I had a second major psychotic phase in 2009. It started at the end of first semester of MS Computer Engineering. It was accompanied by visual hallucinations and related dreams. I know I am still in a ‘little delusional world’ because of dreams, but I am satisfied with that. It can be an escape too. I intend to share some prophecies based on my dreams in a future post. The self recovery had given me the confidence that I won’t have any further relapse, hopefully.

Since a few months I have been pondering upon these options. The first option is to spend a passive but controlled life without a job. Thanks to God, I do not have any financial worries. I can keep myself busy in self study and other similar activities. I have been spending such a life for quite a while. The employment is a big problem in Pakistan, even for healthy ones. I have a label of severe mental illness. The second option is to have some light job. This way I will spend a bit active life. Meanwhile I can keep on applying for a suitable job in accordance with my qualification. The final option is to attempt another full fledged higher studies attempt. It will require considerable amount of time and effort, yet it will be most satisfying in long run. With all these, the biggest question is that of marriage. I am still undecided about it. There is no question of it, if I go for first option. Then I have to learn some cooking and dish washing! Sometime I feel myself to be much incapacitated. I feel that I won’t be able to handle the pressure of married life. I have some family compulsions too. Let us see what God has in store for me in this front.

This is most crucial period of my life. The decisions, that I will make, will have a far reaching consequences on my future life. I think I have become a bit extra cautious. I will take some time to sort things out. As Winston Churchill said, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” I wonder what next failure awaits me! Though I was very unfortunate to have the illness, I think I was fortunate in almost every other aspect. I have a wonderful family. I do not have financial worries. I have a beautiful, though chemically imbalanced i.e. schizophrenic, mind. I think it will be a matter of time that fortune again turns on my side. I have not lost faith in Allah.

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1 comments on “On My Birthday”

  1. AOA Badar

    First of all I wish you best of luck for your future and really appreciate your passion to put your life on correct path.

    As regards future options for your life, in my opinion, you can pursue your second option mixed with first one. I think you should try some online job where you can control your workload as well the type of jobs being assigned to you. You can register on websites like http://www.liveperson.com or http://www.rentacoder.com or something of that sort with your specific expertise and start giving online consultation / solutions / assignments etc to people. The main aim should not be to make money, but rather have a healthy learning based pass time which would help you indulge in technical field and keep your knowledge fresh. This is what I call mixture of option 1 and 2. However, Farrukh’s suggestion of distant learning from CASE etc or light job like Lab Attendant or lecturer for Intermediate level is also a good option.

    As regards your concern / fear about marriage, I would suggest to take it slow. Take time to counsel yourself. And last but not the least truthfulness and honesty should be primary pillar for such a relationship. Although it may seem difficult rather impossible that somebody would be inclined to initiate a relationship after knowing about all the facts but the converse would rather be devastating as sooner or later some or all of the facts may become known. You are a person of extraordinary caliber and intellect. I am quite sure that the way you have successfully fought and are still fighting schizophrenia, you will be able to overcome your fear and reluctance.

    In the end I wish you and all the blog readers Eid Mubarik.

    Allah Hafiz

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